I like to sing. I really like to sing. I even like to sing in public sometimes (hello, karaoke!). But for the life of me I have never understod the need to sing along with a concert (unless it’s the kind of shouting sing-along that harder music sometimes warrants) or, for that matter, in other closed spaces.

On my bus I have encountered two different women who like to sing. They like to sing to the music on their headphones or sometimes the music in their head. They like to sing while they stand next to you holding onto the pole or while they sit in the seat alone. And they like to sing loud, either completely oblivious to the others on the bus or in the hopes that record scouts will for some reason be riding the 71A. They have nice voices actually, but I don’t know, call me crazy, but it’s annoying. I don’t want to be serenaded by my seatmate at a show or on the bus. If I don’t know you and we’re sitting by each other at a show or in a closed, public space where there is no escape, is it too much to ask that you refrain from the singing?????

Okay, and for all of you who made it the whole way through this entry, here is an old WTAE promo so ridiculous that it has to be real:

Then, in August, I watched “The Mon, the Al, and the O” at least 150 billion times. Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but seriously, how can you turn away from the subpar early nineties production values of this gem about the three rivers? As an added bonus, every male interviewed in this documentary has a totally bitchin’ Magnum P.I. moustache.

The point is, this is a really sweet new channel and I recommend that you jump on the bandwagon and start watching it before it ends up filed under my personal list of “Stuff That’s Gone” that includes (in no particular order) Graffiti, Bovvers Shoes, the “Rant” column in the CityPaper, Liberty Tavern, John Fedko’s facial hair and Wendy Bell’s blog.

And as if all that awesomeness weren’t enough, I’m also pretty darn cute (at least that’s what Mom, Dad, and Grandma say). The point is, Forbes, that you really missed the Gateway Clipper with this one. Hopefully, you’ll have better sense next year and award this distinction to the right woman.

Sincerely,
Laurie

It’s a perfect set-up, if it weren’t for the soul-crushing experience of having your clothes examined by a crew of the hipper than thou. Watching a bunch of nineteen-year old waifs in skinny jeans pick through your clothes can be a little humiliating. I don’t consider myself a fashionista really but I do believe that I have good taste when it comes to clothes, bags, and accessories. It’s always a little uncomfortable, then, when the trendy clerk and his/her perfectly sideswept bangs hands you back the clothes that didn’t make the cut. I can’t help but go through them later, wondering why they were discarded - was that green track hoodie really that out of style? Why didn’t they take the khaki pencil skirt? And throwing that vintage plaid blazer to the curb -what were they thinking? Yeah, I know that they are looking for season-appropriate garb and things that will definitely move, but it’s always hard to think that somebody has judged an article of your clothing as not being worthy of resale.

Still, the temporary post-exchange self-doubt and style-paranoia is well worth the $30 or so odd dollars you stand to earn. So I say, mentally prepare yourself for the worst, take in your bags and let the hipster clerks go to town. Oh, and one more thing in the way of tips - when I went in this week, I noticed that they took all the H&M, Urban Outfitters, and Forever 21 stuff I had, so if you have a lot of that sort of thing, you may have found your place.

To avoid being taken advantage of by such ne’er-do-wells, I suggest that all ladies familiarize themselves with the Steelers roster. Study these pictures like you studied your multiplication tables in the 3rd grade. Be sure to examine the entire team too, not just a few who you have heard of or think are cute (I, for example, tend to get stuck on pictures of newbie hunk, I mean, punter, Daniel Sepulveda and my old favorite Brett Keisel). Since Steelers impersonators are more likely to steal the identity of less-visible players, it’s important that you familiarize yourself with players on all levels of the depth chart not just the starters. Get to know who plays for your team and any distinctive features that may differentiate them from any ol’ cad at your local watering hole. Not only will this help you to shield off the advances of a fake Steeler, but should an actual Steeler hit on you, you’ll know who he is. Then, once you have confirmed his identity, you can take ridiculous pictures of him drinking his face off and distribute them to sports blogs.

Since I someday hope to publish a book and my own worst fear is reading to an empty room, I try to support readings by local writers when I can. If you’re a writer, a reader or just an ardent supporter of all things Pittsburgh, I wholeheartedly encourage you to do the same. Not only do you get turned on to new books, but most times you get a chance for some one-on-one time with the author. Last night, I talked at length with Haines and her husband about her very long road to publication. It was extremely enlightening, albeit a little intimidating (will I really have to write 60-plus query letters? I get nervous just thinking about one!). Even better, since Haines kept her day job at Pitt, I think I may have found a new lunch buddy.

Her next Pittsburgh reading will be at Liquid Sundays on August 5 at the Rex Theater. I certainly plan to be there. Hopefully, you will too.

But why stop there? If we can blame Mr. Rogers for this generation’s narcissism, I’m sure we can find a few other children’s television shows to blame for other societal ills.

Fat Albert: Did you really think that the fattening of America had to do with the fast-food culture and the boom of processed foods? Don’t let the diet experts lead you astray, it’s got nothing to do with what you eat and everything to do with the acceptance of this hefty but lovable cartoon character.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Are your kids still living in your basement and mooching off you while they try to hit it big with their band? They must have watched way too much of this show when they were kids!

Rescue Rangers: The decline of organized religion is probably a direct result of the subliminal anti-religion message in the infamous Coo Coo Cola episode of this show.

Duck Tales: Kids today don’t know the value of a hard-earned dollar. It’s probably because they grew up watching Scrooge McDuck swimming through his money like it was something to be played with not respected.

Kids Say the Darndest Things: Don’t you hate it when people say stupid things and expect you to laugh? It’s all Bill Cosby’s fault, conditioning an entire generation of kids to think that the stupid things they say are hilarious.

Sesame Street: Am I the only one who sees the connection between the homeless problem & the popularity of Oscar the Grouch?

The point is, next time you notice a flaw, don’t hold yourself or anybody else responsible, just turn your mirror towards the TV and find somebody on there to blame.

I know I’m getting older now that my first thought when I hear about an upcoming show is whether or not I’ll get to sit. It’s a sad fact of life, but ultimately I’ve made peace with my transition from an angry mosh-pit teen to a tired oldie who just wants a seat, and maybe a beer, during the show.

Needless to say, I’m quite excited about several shows this next month or so that feature some of my favorite female performers with the added bonus of chairs.

On July 2, Sarah Shannon comes to Club Cafe for the 7:00pm show. Formerly of Velocity Girl, Sarah’s solo albums are more lounge-singer than indie-rock, but I’ll be sure to catch this show since I never miss a chance to support my indie-idols of yesteryear (do you know how many times I’ve seen Juliana Hatfield?).

Later in the month, the Cultural District Live Series brings Neko Case (pictured above rocking a Penn State t-shirt) & Lucinda Williams to the Byham Theater.

Then, on August 1, Patti Smith performs at the Carnegie Library Music Hall of Homestead. According to the Tribune-Review, Pete Zorn also plays there on August 14. I’m assuming that this is actually referring to Pete Yorn and is also a sign that the Trib is actively searching for a sassy new entertainment reporter who actually knows the name of popular musicians (note to Trib: call me!).